How deprived world looks like.

one morning I woke up to hear a heartbreaking story that I'm willing to never share with the world. I was so devastated and lost for a half week praying to God that I would be awakened up from an unbearable painful dream I was having. I took everything as a lie and couldn't believe how the world could be cruel to this extent. I thought God was molding me into the new refined product but with no ore to start with. the process got too tough and I remained with only one thing to keep my life on a strong foot ....."little faith".

one year of a happy life in disguise I've encountered a life-threatening condition where they were only one choice of surviving the moment. I've whirled to the point where trust, hope, faith, love, and peace cease to exist before I was born.   I was hiding from luck, life, and light. I could only see one color in all people's hearts.... "black". the atmosphere seems to be exotic and I could no longer recognize the roadway home.

I was walking at night, watching stars, telling them how things are hard for me, telling the moon to shine on me even on a bright sunny day because I could no longer feel light in daylight. Thoughts were progressively changing every second, and my heart was pumping hard as if it does no longer fit my chest. I was feeling like my heart was about to jump out from my chest. 

In the depressive world, every citizen is a prisoner who is imprisoned in a small cage where it's rarely hard to feel relaxed or move around as you wish. Every second was a battle to win the next second. My body was ceased to take instructions from my brain. I woke up in the morning wanting so much to do something and been unable to make myself begin. I have eaten the food that brought me nothing to the extent where I had no further desire to eat and I couldn't make myself stop. I was caged in my thoughts day and night. I felt like I wanted to let go of everything and move on but still found myself swirling around the cage. Note that "the sense of lacking control over your own actions can be terrorizing", it surely can.

Everything seems pointless. Nothing brings pleasure. Nothing brings hope. You can have short moments of pleasure like when you are doing something you enjoy, watching a good movie, listening to music you like even if this doesn't last for long or, fight against negative thoughts you carry with you in every step of life you take. Every positive thought fails in a battle with a negative one. You tell yourself that things will get worse in contradiction to better to come. You thought that you will make it out alive and another thought proves to you how you are dying and this allows you to never accomplish anything in this state.

Hate is dominant in this realm especially towards yourself. I tried hard to isolate myself completely as my efforts of staying together with my friends were drowning away. I felt like I wanted to be alone as the whole world was just too much to handle and unexpectedly when I break out of my fence and get out of bed, I could enjoy the time I spend together with the ones I love.

I didn't get to enlist all the feelings one can have in the depressive realm but tried to say a little enough about how it looks like. This corner of life may seem so sharp, hard, and harder to make it out alive but it's possible.  Lean Metcalfe said that "the only thing that can save us from these negative thoughts is to fight hard to get better". Is to tell yourself repeatedly that despite the depths of your despair and real-life nightmare you are experiencing, you will be well again. You will be yourself again. The more you believe in that, the more you start to get better.  That's the long river I've managed to cross too. I've chosen the same way to get out of the deprived world I was imprisoned in for a long time and I hope.... you can do the same to win your freedom again.